


Sign Here

by Riverdaughter



Series: 101 other ways to fix or break the galaxy [4]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: AU, Almost a Sith Anakin Skywalker, Anakin Skywalker Doesn't Turn to the Dark Side, Anakin Skywalker Leaves the Jedi Order, Crack Treated Seriously, F/M, Gen, and needs a hug, but he does read the fine print this time, if becoming a Sith meant actual paperwork, the darkside is not as fun as it sounds
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-26
Updated: 2020-06-26
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:40:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24932419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Riverdaughter/pseuds/Riverdaughter
Summary: Anakin actually bothers to read the fine print for his job application to the Darkside. It doesn't sound so good on paper. What's this about about no worker's comp and possible hair loss?
Relationships: Anakin Skywalker & Shmi Skywalker
Series: 101 other ways to fix or break the galaxy [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1742038
Comments: 26
Kudos: 212





	Sign Here

**Author's Note:**

> So I have been working on the next chapter of Another Point of View and it's all sad, hermit Obi-Wan and I needed to break from the angst.
> 
> Instead of focusing on moving in a couple of days I sat down wrote 1,200-ish words of nonsense...

_I, Anakin Skywalker, do hereby pledge my allegiance, my loyalty and my soul to the service of Chancellor Palpatine, aka Darth Sidious, aka The Emperor of the Galaxy whom all shall kneel before, aka Master of the Darkside, aka Destroyer of Darth Plagueis_ _the Wise…_

“Umm, Chancellor Palpatine”, said Anakin slightly worried and also a little nervous under the furious glare that a highly annoyed Mace Windu was sending him from where he was tied up by the broken window. The slightly hungry look that the Chancellor’s lurid yellow eyes were projecting towards him wasn’t helping either.

“Yes, my soon-to-be-apprentice,” said Palpatine with a remarkable attempt at a soothing expression, rendered somewhat ineffective only by his newly hideous appearance.

“Didn’t you say that Darth Plagueis’ apprentice killed him? It says here that you killed him.”

“What’s that,” Palpatine murmured, “Oh, yes. I killed him in his sleep, wonderful times. It’s an old Sith™ tradition, the apprentice must kill the Master.”

“No, wonder there’s only one of you left,” said Anakin thoughtlessly, “You don’t just have the jedi hunting you but yourselves too…this doesn’t sound like a very nice life.”

“Mphhh, yug fool!” said Mace from behind his gag.

“Keep reading…” Palpatine told him, “it’s all explained further down.”

 _What am I doing_ thought Anakin for the hundredth time that night. He didn’t have time for this, he could feel the time of Padmé’s death approaching. Maybe he should just sign the stupid piece of paper without trying to figure out the fine print.

“Writing out your name is dangerous thing my son,” Shmi Skywalker had told him long ago on Tatooine, “Names have power and if you’re not careful, you can end up giving yours away.”

She’d held him then, and Anakin can feel the regret and the longing welling up in him at the memory.

“We may be slaves,” she’d continued, “but our masters cannot take our souls or our minds unless we let them. Don’t ever let anyone change you into what you are not…”

No, better read this document through and through, Shmi had always known best.

 _With this pledge, I relinquish my old calling and take up the mantle of the Sith_ _™_. _It is my duty to give my aid and assistance to my Master in all things, both great and trivial. I hold back nothing, neither life nor limb in the service of the Darkside. 1_

Call him paranoid but footnotes have always made Anakin suspicious, they usually meant that someone was trying to avoid telling him vital information (and Obi-Wan is distressingly fond of them in his reports). Like the info packet that the Jedi had given him when he was nine and still too young and illiterate to understand all the words. He’d missed the footnote on not getting married and regretted it still.

_1 Any and all injuries relating to the use or abuse of the power of the Darkside are not the responsibility of the Sith_ _™. Our signature Sith_ _™ armor may be used to mitigate effects including but not limited to strangulation, electrocution, amputation, third-degree burns, falling from great heights, suffocation, hair loss, premature wrinkles, vision loss or permanent agony._

“Ummm,” said Anakin again, pointing, “This footnote seems rather specific, do all Sith™ have these problems? Because last I checked Maul was missing his legs, Dooku lost both his hands and his head and you’re not looking very good right now. I don’t like a lot of stuff about the Jedi but their health insurance seems a lot better than yours.”

Palpatine hissed and Mace didn’t say anything but Anakin thought he saw a passing flicker of approval? in his dark eyes.

“I’ll take that as a yes,” Anakin said blandly and continued to read.

_I will be at my Master’s beck and call at all times. Until such a time as I have overthrown and killed him, I will kneel at his feet and contemplate my servitude…_

“Absolutely not,” yelled Anakin, “I’m not kneeling in front of anyone, what is wrong with you people? No wonder you killed Plagueis.”

Mace is shaking in his corner and Anakin is getting the disturbing feeling that he is laughing. It occurs to him that he had never heard Mace laugh…ever.

_To seal my allegiance, will dip my hands in the blood of thousands and kill any former ties to the man/woman that I was. Henceforth, I will be known only by my Sith name. Darth ~~Vengeance~~ ~~Vander~~ ~~Veirg~~ ~~Vadkin~~ Vader. I enter into this convent full-willing and without any coercion in the knowledge that there will be no turning back. I am a Sith now and forever._

_Sign on the line,_

_Welcome to the Darkside, please see our Korriban office for payroll options._

Anakin isn’t sure what exactly gives him the final push, some combination of his mother’s words, the idea of killing his friends and the apparent servility of being a Sith. This is a terrible idea and has been from the start. Sidious has even admitted to killing his own master, Anakin can’t even imagine trying to kill Obi-Wan (Rako Hardeen had been bad enough, thank you ever much).

There are some perks for sure, Anakin hasn’t seen any clauses forbidding marriage and Sith™ apparently get paid for their services. But on the whole, it doesn’t seem worth it. He’ll just have to find some other way to save Padmé’s life. His chances of being a jedi by the time that this is done are slim to none anyways, he might as well just tell everyone that she’s his wife and bring her to the Temple healers.

He risks a very subtle wink at Mace and swings around.

“I’m sorry Chancellor,” he says, “But I can’t sign this. I don’t want to have to kill anyone and Sith™ life seems pretty depressing even if you get a salary.”

“But, Anakin,” yelps Palpatine looking confused, “The Jedi are holding you back, you have to save Padmé remember? And they’ll never take you back now, your only option is to side with me.”

“I don’t want to be a Jedi _or_ a Sith™!” Anakin shouts exasperated, “I just want to be happy and go back to Naboo and raise my child. I’m sick of fighting and being electrocuted and almost dying. I don’t care if the jedi don’t want me, I’ll just find Ahsoka and get a job as a mechanic or something.”

“A mechanic!” shrieks Palpatine in outrage, “I am ready to make you a Dark Lord of the Sith™ and you want to go to Naboo and play happy families with your annoying wife?”

“Why would I want to be a Dark Lord of anything?” Anakin yells back, “That sounds awful and…evil and like I probably have a creepy dark tower on some desolate mountain range. What would I tell my future kids about my job when they ask?”

“Then you have chosen death!” Sidious says ominously and starts raising his hands in a familiar gesture. Anakin has been electrocuted by Sith™ lords (and other things) far too many times to let it happen again so he grabs the first thing that comes to hand and stabs down before Sidious can react.

They both sit there blinking for a moment at the sight of Palpatine’s ridiculously ornate pen sticking out of his left hand. And then Anakin dives towards Mace and starts cutting through the ropes with his lightsaber.

“You’re an idiot, Skywalker,” he growls the minute the gag comes undone. Anakin flinches.

“I know,” he says.

“But an honest one at least.” Mace concedes.

And then they fight Sidious.


End file.
